So yeah, life's good, other than the fact that my old love for the PlayStation, 'Monsters Inc. Scare Island' was pronounced dead and my nostalgic feelings were shattered like glass and stabbed through my heart... But other than that, yeah I'm hanging in there...
Anyway, back to the main subject... The Wolverine... So here's how the post is going to play out. I shall do a very unprofessional review of the movie, have my ass handed to me on a silver platter with a side of Rotten Tomatoes because their reviews will blow mine out of the water... Sit all night and click refresh for the 27,053rd time, staring at the comments bar and waiting for my Hogwarts acceptance letter which my parents told me got lost in the mail... hopefully it will come today, because as the second most overused meme of the internet (after Aragorn's famous line) would dictate... NO POST ON SUNDAY'S!
And that is my night kids... Anyway I should start the review...
So I saw The Wolverine a few weeks ago and I'm not gonna start like that it's the queerest thing ever... So Hugh Jackman recently snapped up his second solo role in an X-Men movie, without his band of merry men, or as some might say, his band of more realistically storylined Avengers. Ah yes, the Australian might be considered the parallel of Iron Man, matching even the acting talents of Robert Downey Jr. in his role as the smooth talking lone wolf that is Tony Stark. You can probably see a few similarities between the two, neither give a fraction of a shit about life, neither really work well in groups (although both are key parts of at least one)... Indeed, most would consider them lone wolverines (see what I did there)...
PLOT SPOILERS AHEAD!
So maybe Wolverine pulled out his claws in bed, which kinda sounds like a metaphor meaning "he popped the question during sex", but he still attracts women like Black Friday does American's. I've always considered it to be a stupid holiday, but I must say, trampling your fellow American citizens to get 10 cents off a copy of this movie is the right thing to do. The movie combines a brilliant blend of story, characters, special effects and total badassery, an slots in to the jigsaw puzzle that is the X-Men series perfectly as a follow up to the trilogy and a prequel to the upcoming 2014 movie. But the movie, as with Jackman's previous solo movie as the lone wolf, did have its fair share of flaws, and it seems that although his character is an all around, all boxes ticked badass, the general public prefers seeing him with some... how should we put it... actual friends. The absence of Cyclops, Storm and his other chums has taken its toll on the movie, it's like a chair with one leg to stand on, and is lacking in some aspects more than others.
Storyline
Other than regular appearances by Jean Grey in Logan's dreams, to support him and remind him that he killed her and he has hurt her, and cause him to pull out his bad boys in bed (for the first of two occasions in the movie), barely any, if any, appearances are made by X-Men, which lets the film down on the story side, as it cuts him off from almost all ties with the group. On one side this could be a good thing, It gives him a chance to flex his adamantium shiz and gives the company a chance to flex their wallets and reel in more money.
However, this was not the side the coin landed on, and instead the lone wolf was placed in solitary confinement, away from all of his friends, and the story suffered as a result. Fortunately we had his redheaded samurai friend to protect him and be his replacement buddy while the directors fill their wallets, smoke, dabble in directing another movie, smoke, and smoke. But she wasn't a big enough leg to stand on, and watching wolfy for 2 hours or so does get a little tedious. Overall, the story was fast-paced and exciting, with believable characters, a brilliant story, but just no in-between time and no breaks from the main story. His character has no space to breathe, because he has no social life, he has no family, he isn't rich, his lover is dead, his friends have pissed off, he isn't a playboy coated in metal, he isn't a god, he isn't a passively badass S.H.I.E.L.D agent... He gets pissed in the woods with a half dead bear... (I got very emotional at this point.)
So to sum up all of my unprofessional shiz, great story, no breaks.
Characters
This will be short, because I mentioned all of this in the previous section, but this section was lacking a bit as well. Again, no X-Men, but a cheap replacement who can only defend herself when she's snogging the person she wants to stab. Then we have our badass redhead who chops vodka bottles in half. There's our evil robotic dude who reminds me of Whiplash due to both there huge robotic appearances, and tendencies to regularly be pulled apart by men infused with metal. We also have Viper, who's just there because she wants to be, and helps Yashida for some unknown reason, because why would she do it for free? She's a bitch, and he's filthy rich! I'm rhyming again. But anyway, we finally have a weird archer guy who helps and then hinders wolvy.
You may have noticed the key factor, which I tried to represent in the way I wrote it, is that the character's are in no way intertwined, they are all unrelated, and pulled together by a bit of a jerky story, like a puzzle missing a few pieces. It's not like in Iron Man, where Tony previous associations to help him, and give him a few dramas in-between his badassery, or Cap, who has a whole army... and friends... Unfortunately for him, wolvie has to have brand new characters introduced, because his old story can't be returned to, and he has future commitments with the X-Men, so he needs a short story to be shat out before the next movie. Basically...
While in Nagasaki, Japan during World War II, Logan saves the life of a young man named Yashida with untapped potential, and who Logan has no idea will one day become Japan's richest man. Suddenly the modern day is thrust upon us, and while living in solitude surrounded by dying bears (whom he feels the need to avenge) and thick woodland, Logan meets Yukio (Rila Fukushima), a young redheaded Japanese girl by whom he is whisked away in a car to visit who else but Japan's richest man, Yashida. The flourishing empire which Yashida has built needs a ruler, but he doesn't feel ready to let go of it just yet, and so rewording the sentence, "you can't die, give me your Philosopher's Stone", he explains how he wishes to relieve Logan of his pain as an immortal being, and take his power away. What was planned as a one day trip suddenly turns into a game of tug of war between Logan and the Yakuza, with the recently dead Yashida's grand-daughter Mariko serving as the rope.
During Yashida's funeral, the young lady is snagged by some thugs who are working for her would be husband, unbeknownst to her. This is where the movie decides to shit on itself repeatedly... Mariko is passed between the two sides, until finally managing to be kidnapped by Viper (who was Yashida's doctor) and friends, reveal themselves. We then have an archer who comes along with some black clad ninja dicks who literally play tug of war while spearing wolfy in the street. All in all, after losing some claws, regaining his bone claws (or rather losing his adamantium skeleton), Yashida being a dick, a pretty badass samurai fight with Mariko's dad somewhere in the mix, Hugh Jackman, being badass, manages to defeat the robotic fiend who should have died seventy years beforehand, and all after removing and replacing his heart. The movie is redeemed by a hint at the upcoming Days of Future Past, but other than that, goes awry halfway through and doesn't really pick it back up, a bit like this review because I'm tired and a shit writer.
My next review will probably be on The Mortal Instruments, Percy Jackson or Monsters University, and will most likely be longer, because right now I'm tired and the quality of my writing is going downhill like the movie I just unsuccessfully reviewed. However, despite the bad points I reviewed, I didn't get to fully explain the movie, and I do think it was very good. And so the verdict is, 7/10.
Anyway, I'm tired, but, stay tuned for tomorrow! :D
